Why

Not feeling particularly inspired by any of my grocery items at home, I decided to splurge for a S/. 2.50 bottle of Inca Kola on my way home to sip while I made dinner. I wanted the sugar to comfort me, it did. I love Inca Kola. 

In turn I'm also wide awake late at night again. Oops. Only now am I remembering why I hadn't had Inca Kola in such a long time... #noregrets

Seems there's no better time to keep you all posted on the recent goings of my Peruvian life.

I'm having writers block. I'm not feeling exceptionally witty or charming. 

Besides my blog suffering, I'm actually okay with it, because in the meantime my communications brain, which is much needed for my work, has been flowing. I've had three days in a row when I just had to whip out a pencil and paper and write frantically and sketch to get my flowing ideas out of my brain and into some stable form of permanence. Visual things are just coming to me, and it feels exciting. 

I love having those moments for work. 

...

Here's the low down on my life lately: I have been more homesick than ever before in my life. I've finally crossed the point where I've been in Peru longer than I've been in any other country besides the United States. Or well, I'll cross that point in the next two days. When people now ask me "what country that you've been to has been your favorite?" I can no longer answer "well I always say Nepal because I was there the longest, but I've loved each place for different reasons." Which, with a job in international education last year was a question I was asked about 10 times a week--- minimum. I got quite used to that answer... looks like I'll have to come up with another excuse for why I loved Nepal, shouldn't be too difficult. 

So on week 10, day 71, in Peru, I'm at a point where life has been challenging me. Accepting the whole 'not seeing my family for seemingly months on end' thing hasn't been something I've taken to quite as well as I thought I might. I'm slow to make friends, always, and so in turn things have been slow and, well, I hate to admit it, but, lonely. 

Also in turn, anything I've tried to write for a blog post has turned into a monologue of lonely depressing shit. No one wants to read that. 

PSA: don't watch the movie Lion while alone and feeling exceptionally homesick, and particularly missing your mom and older sibling, despite what anyone, even your mom, recommends for you to watch. And especially don't try to write a blog post during that time, it'll just turn out to be shit that no one, not even yourself, wants to read. Otherwise great film, highly recommend. Have tissues nearby. 

But here's the really cool thing- besides being super overwhelmed by all the things I have going on for work with being new and still learning everyday- I think I love my job. I mean, I say 'I think' because I'm definitely still in that drowning phase where I'm fighting to stay afloat. But at the end of some of the really long days I realize I'm exhausted because I spent my day taking photos of beautiful people in beautiful places and editing them and organizing them and posting them to the internet to help empower indigenous women.

Damn. 

And that, that is when I realize that all the personal shit I'm struggling with is going to be worth it, for all that I'm gaining by working with and learning from these women and this little strange community I've found myself in. 

No, really, like I get to wander the streets of Ollantaytambo, Peru and take photos of our beautifully handmade products around town with flowers, in doorways, with a mountain backdrop. I get to edit photos, which I actually really enjoy. I get to organize online accounts, and write, and post, and chat, and spread the word about all the awesome stuff we're doing. I get to study successful Instagram and Pinterest accounts, and then I get to post on Instagram and Pinterest. They pay me to Instagram and Pin... while living abroad, and learning more and more Spanish everyday. They pay me to take photos. How freaking cool is that?! And sure there are many tasks I do each day that are less fun that those of my select favorite, the photography and graphic design and multimedia planning and social media, there's also way less fun stuff too, but when I'm super frustrated, I get to remember why I'm doing this, and that 'why' feels extremely worth it, it justifies pushing through all frustrations. Women matter. And I'm really inspired to be working for them. They're pretty badass women too, that helps with the whole inspiration thing. 

I may not be great at my job yet, but if I can find a way to love what I do every single day, even if just for a moment, then I'll get better. I'm sure I'll get better at it. 

The 'why' helps. 

In the meantime I'll be working on the whole socialization thing, and continuing to adjust to my new home. I'll be working to master extremely high altitude recipes for baking, maybe trying out some yoga, reading a lot of books, cooking some pretty strange meals, mostly potatoes, downloading just a few Netflix episodes at a time, trying to stay dry as the rain finds its way to Cusco this time of year, planning for when family comes in seemingly a million months to visit, planning a vacation for February, learning to make popcorn, you know the kind not prepackaged in a microwaveable bag, along with a billion other rural Peruvian activities. And as hard as it all seems right now, I'm excited, because I will always have a why to fall back on when things get tough. 

And here is a picture of the avocado tree I see from my window at home. The wooden ladder is my favorite part, maybe because I don't like avocados... but the tree still deserves to be appreciated.

17/08/17